Don't Touch Me!

During the podcast, the topic of "touching" came up. I have to say that, THIS was the one topic I wish I would have opened up more with.

I mean sure, everyone loves to be touched or hugged at some point in their lives. But with me it's opens up a very fearful road.

I could probably talk on a podcast for an hour, all by myself, about what it's like, emotionally, living with a disorder that transforms your body, into a tumor-ridden "freak". I hate what Neurofibromatosis has done to me. I hate what's in store for my children.

The very first time I was intimate with someone, NF was not a problem....the tumors were there, but I was the only one who could see them. I was very good at hiding...and very clever about not being seen intimately, when lights were on.

I used to love to have my face caressed...but now have tumors growing making me pull away anytime someone even attempts to touch me there. My neck, shoulders and back used to love being massaged, but now, tumors fill those areas too.

In my mind I am thinking, "How could ANYONE, possibly want to touch me?" I can barely stand it when I catch a glimpse of my back and tummy in the mirror, getting out of the shower....How could anyone be okay with this!?

I AM Thriving in Spirit...But I still have a LONG way to go, to be THRIVING in body. I have a hard time dealing, when I see new tumors forming on my body. I often wonder what life will be like 10-20-30 years from now.

All I can do however, is continue working on myself. Continue to THRIVE in my day....In my week....

Actions follow Attitude, and I am determined to fight through my insecurities, and one day maybe beat them. But for now, I am fighting the fight...just like you.